TCU Researchers Explain What Parents Need to Know After Dropping Their Child Off at College

After helping unpack boxes, making one last Target run and saying goodbye, many parents return to a home that suddenly feels different. 

As students begin the fall semester, many families are navigating the transition to life as empty nesters for the first time. Andrew Ledbetter, communication studies chair, and Paul Schrodt, director of graduate studies and Philip J. & Cheryl C. Burguières Professor of Communication Studies, both study family communication. The Texas Christian University Bob Schieffer College of Communication professors recently shared their insights on why this milestone can be so emotional, how parent-child relationships evolve and what families can do to stay connected while giving students room to grow. 

Why is the transition to an empty nest so emotionally significant for parents? 
Ledbetter: There are many reasons why this transition can be emotionally significant, and those reasons differ from family to family. When I dropped off my daughter at a college in a different time zone, I was sad for the simple reason that I loved her and missed her. Whether children are out of state or nearby, the transition often creates uncertainty as parents learn how to relate to their newly adult children. It's also a transition within the parental relationship, as couples rediscover time together while adjusting to the absence of daily parenting responsibilities. What seems to be common across families is that it's a significant role transition for both parents and adult children. 

What are some signs that a parent may be communicating too much or too little? 
Ledbetter: It is important to pay attention to the nonverbal signals and indirect messages that our adult children send to us. Do they seem excited to talk or bored? Do they seem stressed? Do they respond to text messages quickly or slowly? Both college and early careers can be busy times of life, and parents should give adult children space to engage with those things. It is easy for some parents to interpret adult children's lack of availability as dismissiveness, when adult children just have important tasks (like school and work) they need to do. But the quality of communication is even more important than the quantity of communication. In one study on homesickness, I found that college students benefit from open family communication that promotes children's sense of resilience. Yet in another study, I found that college students react negatively to parental privacy invasions and controlling behavior. 

How does the transition to an empty nest change a parent's role within the family?

Schrodt: Ideally, I think most parents will find that their role continues to shift from that of “parent” to one of “friend” or “close friend.” It is a gradual shift for many families, as more and more young adults are moving back in with their parents due to the financial costs of living on their own. In fact, researchers have identified emerging adulthood (ages 18 to 30) as a time filled with tremendous uncertainty, changes to personal and professional identity, and continued dependence (to some degree) on parents’ financial and emotional support. So, the empty-nest stage is occurring later and later for many families. Regardless of when it does happen, I think parents should begin to experience a shift from disciplining or continuing to train their children to more of a peer relationship. 

Does the parent-child relationship typically become stronger after a student leaves for college? Why or why not? 
Schrodt: It depends! Some relationships may very well become stronger, particularly in those relationships where parents are able to “let go” and give their child increased freedom and privacy, even if they still help pay some of the bills. Others may actually get worse if one or both parents are seeking to maintain some level of control over their child that is no longer appropriate given the child’s age and stage of life. In some of my recent research, we found that parents’ interference in their adult child’s romantic relationship can create tremendous turbulence in the parent-child relationship (as you would expect). Although parent support and facilitation helped decrease the same kind of turbulence, whether it decreased it depended on whether the child valued their parent’s opinion about their romantic partner.